#1 Nothing NEVER means nothing… probe more. If you ask her what is wrong and her answer is nothing, or if she uses the phrase “it’s fine,” those are two code words for things aren’t fine, and it isn’t nothing. Those types of passive aggressive answers mean that you best start figuring out what you did wrong before all hell breaks loose.
#2 Know her monthly cycle to avoid conflict. Yep, we turn just slightly crazier before our periods. If you know when it is about to happen, you can avoid the tide. Giving her a little extra breathing room, a little more help, or showing her just a little more concern during certain times of the month can help her get through the rough week ahead for you both.
#3 When she is talking to you, she assumes you are listening, so do so. If she is talking to you, then put your phone down, or stop watching television for the five minutes of your time she needs, and instead of just watching her lips move, actually listen. I know that it seems like 90% of what we say you don’t need to know, but to avoid the crazy wife, you have to do this.
#4 If she won’t look you in the eye, that spells trouble. If she’s so mad that she can’t look you in the eye, you did something. Ask her what you did immediately instead of trying to ride it out.
#5 When she slams doors, drawers, or plays around, that means “get your ass off of the couch and help.” Nope she isn’t just being sloppy, she is PISSED.
#6 If she is angry, don’t ignore it. I mean don’t ever ignore it! Just like a two-year-old, the more you ignore an angry woman, the angrier you make her. Suck it up, grow a pair, and find out what is making her so mad. Hell, even apologize.
#7 Anniversaries and birthdays are a huge friggin’ deal. Don’t ask why… they just are.
#8 If she is in a fight with her bestie, you are too, ghosting is a team effort. That includes family members too. You always take her side, period.
#9 DON’T, and I mean EVER, call her crazy!
#10 Even if you know she’s on her period, don’t mention it or point it out, especially if she’s being extra crazy. Her period is something that you don’t ever talk about out in the open unless she initiates it.
#11 If she asks if you want to go somewhere, she isn’t really asking you, she is telling you. If she asks if you want to do something, you should just say “yes” and mark your calendar.
#12 When you walk through the door and get that look *yep, guys we all know it*, have heavy shoulders and jump right in to help with whatever it is that she’s struggling with. Put her off guard by immediately asking “what’s wrong” or “hey you look like you need help,” instead of pulling away and disappearing.
#13 If the trash is placed by the door, that means “take out the trash.” So do it.
#14 If she makes a sigh sound while picking up your socks, shirts, and jeans that means, “screw you.” For a week or two maybe just try to hit the hamper, or even better, take your own s**t to the laundry room.
#15 When she is mad if you say “I love you” sincerely, she will forgive you and put the crazy away *I swear!* I know every guy reading this is saying “no way, that won’t work.” Guess what, it will. If you are sincere and you just say it, it melts the crazy wife away.
#16 If she is talking aggressively to you, listen to the words instead of reading her body language; they will give you the answer. Don’t be confused by her agitated body language. She might not be a crazy wife, listen to her words, she might just be stressed out.
#17 The crazy eyes aren’t going away. If you run, they are going to chase your ass.
#18 Those tiny comments do mean something. Passive aggressive, aggressive aggressive, if she makes a tiny comment, it means something really big so don’t think that your wife is just teasing or being funny.
#19 A passive aggressive text message should be answered with an “I’m sorry,” even if you aren’t. The best way to avert a crazy wife is just to suck it up and say you are sorry. You can fight it out and maybe be right, maybe not. Or you can avoid three days’ worth of misery and just say “sorry.”
#20 Duck and weave, just duck and weave. Sometimes a crazy wife can come and go like the wind, literally. If you want to make her go back to where she came from, then you have to duck and weave by letting her take the lead. That means if she’s mad, apologize. If she’s sad, hold her. If she hates you, then just let her be. It is going to take you trying a couple of maneuvers at times to navigate her mood.
#21 If you hear her slam the toilet seat down you better apologize asap. You have no idea what it is like to land your ass on a cold toilet in the middle of the night!
#22 Don’t be Captain Obvious… she knows she burnt the toast, dinner, or dented her car. If she does something stupid, you don’t have to point it out. She feels stupid and bad enough, just let her have it and pretend it is no big deal.
#23 Going out for a guys’ night after getting into an argument or a fight with her is more than likely not a good idea. If the body is still cold, then stay in and let it settle. There will be other nights, I promise. Otherwise, you are going to come home to an even crazier wife.
#24 Your passive aggressiveness doesn’t make you the better person, if you have something to say, man up and friggin’ say it. We hate when you give us the “nothing” too, so don’t. If you have a problem, then don’t make us beg, that makes us CRAZY.
#25 When you come home from vacation, don’t complain about how “tired” you are or try to tell us how you didn’t have a good time. We don’t care. If you were lucky enough to get away and left her at home to watch the kids, then keep your tired pity party to yourself.