Photo Credit: Getty/Artur Debat
I woke up sad this morning. There was no real reason for it. I had a good amount of sleep. I had really vivid and clarifying dreams that I feel like really helped my unconsciousness move forward. I was even greeted with snuggles and I love you's from my beloved, but I was really sad.
I drove into work trying to place my finger on the reason. At first I thought it was a light sadness. You know, the kind you get when you get when you are greeted with a disappointment. But as I sat with it the sadness I realized it was a deep heartache. The slow heart throbbing pain that radiates to other area's of your body.
At this point I was sitting in the parking lot at work, and it's tricky, because it's challenging to be sad and still perform well on the air. Over the years I've learned to disassociate from me and me on the radio, in fact those who know me deeply know I refer to my Tracy Lynn self as an alter ego. Me? I hate public speaking... or being around people... my energy is actually very relaxed and low key. Tracy Lynn?! Well! That me is a public speaker by profession. That me, radiates nothing but happiness and excitement.
Personally I love both sides of the coin, all my character traits are lovely and appreciated, the painful thing is when you feel like you have to be one thing, when you feel another.
But today when I sat in my car in the parking lot at work still trying to place my finger on the sadness when I remembered that I could make a decision to just feel the sadness. I remembered I could feel the sad, and not mask it under overwhelming happiness or push it down until I was alone. Was I rude, or less engaged or disrespectful of others while feeling it? No. Today was a day I performed on air with cheer and friendliness while honoring my own heart and emotions.
Normally I wouldn't share something so personal, but it was a milestone for me. Being able to honor and feel my feelings while continuing to serve to the best of my ability without needing to be one side of the coin or another is groundbreaking for me. I still haven't been able to place my finger on the root of my heartache but for some reason writing this has brought a different level of solace and happiness I wasn't expecting. So thank you for letting me share my accomplishment with you today it helped a lot.